I accidentally had phone sex last night
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
