If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
