He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
