My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
