Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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