Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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