The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize