He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
