You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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