Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
