Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
