Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
