I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We're too hungover to prance.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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