she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Semen is not good for contacts.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
