Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
