I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
