hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
