just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
