Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
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I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.