What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Tumblr User Tells Story About A ‘Demon Gets Adopted By A Grandma’& It Needs To Be A F**king Movie
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
20+ Kids Who Probably Didn’t Mean To Draw Hardcore Porn
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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