I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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