we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
