So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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