if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"