We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
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I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
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ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor