Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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