people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
