ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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