a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
