all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
