Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
