and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
