She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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