textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
