pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
