i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
