dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
