epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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