My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
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