I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
