4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
