I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
