I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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