Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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