You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
