Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
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I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
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He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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