She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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