What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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