i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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