If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
