So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
