this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
