the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
