just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
