just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
