ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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