Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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